I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
