my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
