i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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