Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
