i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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