I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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