he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
