He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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