Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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