His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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