So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
