remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
