just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
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