I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
