Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
