Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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