last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
