so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
