well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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