So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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