so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize