I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
