theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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