dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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