I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
