she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
