Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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