u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
