the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
