Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
