if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
