I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
