god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
