I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
