this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
