Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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