I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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