hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
