have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
