I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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