Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
last night I used snow as a chaser
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
