Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
