does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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