I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
