I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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