i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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