So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
cat food counts as protein by the way
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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