I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
