i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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