Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize