textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
