oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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