whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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