Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
