i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
