My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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