Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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