how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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